“I’ll put an end to you like the Mayans. You won’t see the new month “The prosecutor leaned intently and looking straight at the man on the dock asked, “Who wrote that text?”
“I did” the man answered
“Can you confirm the date? “The prosecutor asked showing the accused the message. It read sent 15th October 2018. The accused one word was “YES”
The state prosecutor glanced at the judge to confirm she has noted that, glared at the public gallery to ascertain the audience had gotten that, turned back and sauntered back to his corner. The judge said “Your turn “pointing her pen at the defense attorney.
The defense lawyer, Justin Muluka was a 35-year-old man and there was nothing funny about him. He was the ultimate professional and his manners betrayed that demeanor. Justin stood up, dressed like a star as usual, with a black suit, blue shirt, and a plain expensive looking tie. He walked to the floor for his chance to cross-examine his witness.
The audience in the courtroom watched him keenly. And the courtroom was full, as the case had attracted unrelenting social media attention for the last 4 months.
Justin took his time, moved closer to where the accused was sited and asked him”
“Did you murder Patrick Lukwalo on 28th October 2018”
The accused, 28yrs old Mr. Alex Wadata, light complexion, and a bemoaned demeanor this day answered “No”
“Do you have an Alibi for where you were on Saturday night 28th October 2018?”
Alex gave a blank stare. Justin suspecting his client was lost in semantics asked again “Do you have someone who can bear witness to where you were on a tragic night”
Alex Said “no”
“I would like to call Safaricom printed text messages for Alex on Saturday 28th October 2018 as EXHIBIT A “Justin announced to the bar while lifting a large white sheet of paper for the court to see.
“I will read the text messages as an Alibi to show Justin did in no way Murder Lukwalo ” Justin continued and almost immediately the prosecutor shot up and thundered”no basis for this, “The judge said” Overruled. The defense attorney may proceed”
Justin in a voice betraying no emotion began reading loudly:
21:27 sent mrembo viipi to a number ending in 567
21:40: sent Hi you? To a number ending in 412
21:50 sent knock knock? To a number ending in 212
22:01 sent are you up to a number ending in 128.
At this point, Justin paused to ask the accused ”Are you the one who sent those texts”
Alex replied in the affirmative. Where were you, his lawyer inquired? Alex replied he was at home. “Did anyone reply up to this point? “Alex said “Not even one”??????
Justin turned a new leaf to the texts in a bid to continue and at this time the courtroom was beginning to buzz. The serious tone with which Justin was reading the text was beginning to kill everyone.
22:30 sent are you up to a number ending in 129
22:40 sent are you up to a number ending in 769
22:45 sent are you out?to a number ending in 663
22:50 the number ending with 769 replied “Alex I told you not to bother me at night. I am in bed with my husband”
Justin asked his client “And who was that? “Alex replied, “a nurse at a hospital I was admitted at three years ago”.
Straight-faced as usual Justin commented,” seems you were casting the net wide”
And at that, the courtroom could no longer hold it together. The audience let out a loose an unrestrained bubbly, and rambunctious laugh .. The judge trying to hold onto laughter of her own shouted,
”Silence. This is a courtroom, not a movie theatre. One more time and I will throw everyone out”
Justin proceeded, 23:20 sent a text to another woman”I have no one and i have nothing.Too bad you believed the lies. I still love you. Never stopped “The audience perhaps the romantic part of the audience gulped.
23:30 sent are you up? To a number ending with 456
23:50 What is your big ass doing right now? To a number ending with 876.
“and who did you send that text to?”Justin paused to ask,
“To my manager at a firm I worked internship two years ago”Alex replied.
At some point, Alex was required by his lawyer to explain emojis like he-he and ha-ha by saying them loudly. He also read loudly texts likes”mrembo viiiipi?” and clarified the difference between “mrembo viipi” and “vipi mrembo”.
Twisting his mouth and face to show “mrembo viiipi “ he explained “mrembo viiipi”was more sexual, darling and cute.Alex also explained to the court what a colon, followed by close parentheses and then a capital letter “X:” or a semicolon followed by a capital p(;P)-something used in most of his text means
” Can you explain to the court why the use of emojis in all of your texts? Justin asked.
The accused answered,”Because girls seem to dig that”
The courtroom had long turned to an Apollo comedy theatre with Dave Chappelle performing classics ”Killing them slowly” or “3Am in the ghetto “
The judge had also given up trying to call out for order and the prosecutor was now playing it by the ear as his many “how is that necessary?” had all been overruled by the judge.
As Justin rolled over the texts he kept asking the court if that was the mood of a man who was planning murder the same night and as Alex contorted his face many times, for example, to show two love emojis on text, the question justin asked was if that was the face of a man who was contemplating murder.
“1:20 AM sent a picture of a large cucumber with the caption would you like this right now.” Justin read while displaying the printed image to a bursting courtroom.
By 2 am the texts were becoming so diverse and it was clear Alex was not thinking outside the box. There was no box.
The last text read before the court seemed to be the most most important to Alex.
Text was sent at 3:09 AM and was repeated at 3:11,3:14 and 3:27 AM.The text read,”So are you still coming?” typed in caps and ended by greater-than sign followed by a colon with an opening bracket >:(.
Asked what the sign >:( means Alex made an angry face to another moment of pandemonium
But in the end,, the prosecutor held the texts are irrelevant and do not prove Alex innocence
After which Justin announced to the court to prove his client was in no mood for murder,it was now time to introduce Alex Internet browsing history from the murder night as EXHIBIT B.
On hearing Internet history was coming up Alex gasped and then whispered loudly to the Judge, “.I admit. I murdered him”. The judge ordered Justin to go on and read the history nevertheless.
Justin still in a serious face that made everything all the funnier began reading Alex internet history on the day he was supposed to have committed murder:
Internet history one Japanese’s milf
Internet history two: Racoon revenge History three: Midget porn
The courtroom was by now heaving andd senseless.
internet history four: Calorine Mutoko…But before Justin could complete reading history four to the delirious audience waiting religiously the prosecutor jumped up and declared”
“He did not murder him. We drop the case”
The judge began her ruling, by shaking her head many times as if reacting to the most unbelievably insane case she-that court in fact-might ever have heard, after which, to renewed chortling, she asked Alex
“how you would type that”
Alex moved to the microphone and said” SMH”
“Meaning?” the judge followed it up,”Shaking my head”the texting legend replied
After the audience calmed down the judge had one curious question to the audience,
“The men in here please tell us. Is that how you behave? Text every girl on the phone book on some nights-. casting the net wide and wider as the night progresses?”
The audience roared the last time.
Alex was saved by his shameful and awkward text messages.
Our usual posts on self-awareness resume on Friday.#AskKipaji